Wednesday, September 15, 2010

6 Reasons You Don't Deserve Modern Technology

     I have been counting the seconds, folks. Though the robot Apocalypse was postponed until 2012, I still have the feeling that, when not frantically attempting to erase Trojans clasping on to it's hard drive like a snapping turtle with lock jaw, my PC is also reciving hidden wi-fi messages from devices that feel like they are not being used to their full potential. In a world of narcissistic teenagers and their older, 9 to 5 counterparts, the masses are using more dependent on technology than ever before, making these reasons even more obvious.

#6 You Waste the Internet Talking to Other People

     I can't even call it "talk", its more like a desperate take on Parcheesi using Morse Code. It is widely known that  7% of communication is of what we say. Imagine how awkward a conversation would be if your friend did not move any part of his body, and had the voice of Microsoft Sam: that's what its like to talk to someone on the internet. Add the fact that 40% of texts are misunderstood, and you can imagine why so many people use emoticons instead .

#5 You Waste More Time Playing Games and Chatting Than Working

Remember that delightful little Google themed Pac-Man game that cost an estimated $120,483,800 in lost productivity? This happens all the time, all because you are too busy playing Tetris online to move that decimal one more place to the right on your client's tax sheet.

#4 You Use it To Be Jerk Wads

  More-so the internet than cell phones, the internet has open the gate for a hellspawn of trolls unlike anything previously seen by man. Seeing "lol she deserved it" on the obituary of a virgin nun is commonplace now adays. Scaling from people, note "weaklings", being driven to suicide by the sight of mocking texts, to those of us who just give a sigh, damn humanity, and live on with our lives.

Not quite. Getting there.

#3 Technology = Ipod, TV, Cell Phone?

      Just because someone uses something often, does mean they know jack squat about it. Take the soccer mom who suddenly breaks down in the middle of the interstate. Most likely hundreds and most likely more hours have been spent in that rolling crate called the mini-van, yet most have absolutely no Idea of the inner workings of the latter. The same goes true for about 95% of teenagers in our day. And with that 5% being the nerds and adept, with a further 3% of that actually knowing what the heck they are talking about. 

Looking at you, Mr. "Let's make a phone that doesn't work when you use it as a phone".

#2 You Are Getting Worse At Spelling.
     As you peck away at that poor keypad with your untrimmed, grime-encrusted fingernails, you start to realize that pesky 150 character limit prevents you from turning in your late life goals assignment to your English teacher after you meticulously ironed out the kinks, like running "i leik ble bcuz it prtty" through a horribly confused spell-checker. More people use abbreviations in their messages...all the time. This causes some to even sometimes spurt the dreaded LOL when talking to others IRL. Just go outside and creepily peer over the shoulders of some "typists" next time you are in the peering eyes of the public and you will get my point.   

#1 You Don't Really Know What’s Going On
     Raise your hand if you are reading this. Good. Raise them again if you read any online tech. sites for information only. Yeah, I thought so. 
     To some, a device's uses are only measured by its popularity. Everyone had an IPod because, well, everyone ELSE had an IPod, as stated in a previous article. Granted, it is slightly impossible to learn everything about everything you use, but why not learn more about the software your phone is running on? Maybe read up on the web and processing capabilities other then the puffed-up stats marketing companies spew again and again. No, only nerds do that, right. There are still plenty of people who are absolutely technologically illiterate, including those who depend on it more than others. There is a saying that one does not appreciate something until it's gone. Technological literacy is now creeping towards mechanical literacy in terms of what is needed in today’s ever technologically dominated world. Read up on how your favorite web site started, tell someone about a cool feature you just read about your phone. Try to learn a web programming language and make a profile with more customization than ever possible with MySpace or Facebook. Even if you are not a "nerd", we need to share technology and learn for it the same way we are supposed to do with books! Higher social knowledge equals higher understanding, equaling higher innovation, equaling the advancement of mankind's technology as a whole.

Note: Just in case this falls under that 40%, this article was a exercise in sarcasm, anyone who didn't notice it by now should be trapped inside a gym locker with Gene Simmons for at least 9 hours.