Monday, October 18, 2010

Top 5 Ways to Look Like a Hacker

"Oh no, not this again!" You say to yourself. You hear about these "people" everywhere, from the news to the net to that one kid crying over a "hacked" Maplestory charatcer. Yet in the back of your mind, you wonder: "What would it be like if I had such power?" Well, the old saying "Fake it until you make it." Is still holding strong after I looked out into the American populace, and I may have what you might need... More after the jump!

"Opening system files..."
"Cracking into government mainframe"
"clintonsextape.avi traces"

     Oh look at this, this looks exactly like the screes of one of those menacing hackers!

     Admit it, you have always wondered how one person could throw a entire nation into a panic. How one person has such destructive power. Well, here are some tips to looking like one of these powerful basement dwellers, all without the whole FBI incrimination thing...

#5 Carry multiple flash drives

     Flash Drives are the Swiss army knifes of  our day. With everyone and their baby carrying at least one in their pocket. For some reason, now even these humble devices have become a sort of currency. The more you have, apparently, the more tech1337 you are (This is also known as Power Level in some universes). Wear them in the car, have some dangling from your rear view mirror, hell, tie some to your shoelaces, those bastards don't do anything anyways. When you are seen by the masses emanating 1337 around you, they will shutter in fear and for some reason expect you to fight off a incoming horde of Agents...

This happens to Bill Gates EVERY DAY
That said :

#4 Wear It!

     Still have that Mac OS shirt form last year even though you feel like a traitor for switching to Win7? Don't worry, just pop it on and you're instantly an expert! Have Xbox360 cap that you lost in the closet, dust that thing off and now you have a free licence to ridicule any other console that didn't port Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball, pervert. To the point : wearing anything about anything makes you an expert on it, according to this post it note I found under my "Tissue Box".

What? Like YOU don't?.......

#3 Say It!

     Even if you don't know byte (See what I did there? Hah? Hah?) about computers, the general populace doesn't either. Just start splurging out random oddities about some gadget you saw on the Internet

#2 error

     "List item '2' has not been found, this may be because your the only fool who still uses Windows, you sad, pathetic soul..."

#1 The Black and Green Screen of Death

     Oh dear, doesn't this sound familiar. In too many movies, you see someone "Hacking" the "Mainframe" with what looks like an Apple 2. Yet, when we do this in real life, people start to crap their pants! Why? Well, I'm glad you asked! Most of the time when you see green text garbling on a black background, you know something is about to blow up, or someones about to get the royal o'teabag


     There are some cases where just using a color scheme LIKE THIS in public can stir up too much attention to you "educational videos" hidden in the next tab. I do it all the time, to the sounds of fire alarms and the occasional call of the national guard.  Actually, all you need is a program that makes an infinite loop with some generic hack talk like "Deleting windows system files" or something exactly like that, have it print on something like that and your are ready to set off unnecessary fear and confusion for your personal benefit! :D